Shannon.

I should be asking, “How can anyone just give up like this?” 

I should be asking, “Why would someone do this to themselves?”

I should be thinking, “I feel so sorry for people who suffer through this,”

I should be crying. 

I should be feeling sympathetic. 

I should feel something more than the slight empathy that momentarily crossed my brain. 

People, teens, kids, kill themselves. It’s a fact. It happens a lot, I imagine. I’m sure there’s some statistic on it. But the truth is, I understand it. I have felt these feelings so deeply. I have half way attempted to do it myself. It wasn’t a attempt and a fail, it was more of a hang the belt, put it around my neck, but then I stepped down, because I was too scared. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I can’t decide if calling the police would help her. I mean honestly…it’s been two hours, maybe if someone had done something as soon as this had been posted, then maybe it would have helped. But now…what if this girls in Russia? The police would just disregard it as some stupid internet prank and think nothing more of it. The worst thing is, that I am actually a tad bit jealous of this girl. 

This girl who had the guts. 

This girl who had the guts to write out a note.

This girl who had the guts enough to make it public.

This girl who had the guts to prove she was serious. 

This girl who had the guts to escape. 

Save us all. 

MattB.

I've only had one boyfriend. I was 14, he was 17. We only dated for 4 months. I know what you're thinking...this can't be good, he was so much older than her he must have taken advantage of her... But to tell you the truth? He was the nicest a person's ever been to me. I felt so close to him, he was the best boyfriend ever and if I could get the old him back I would. I have just been reminiscing lately about him and decided to dedicate this post to him. Since he'll never read it, at least he won't think I'm an entire creep. I'll break it up into paragraphs so as not to make such a large wall of text.

The Meeting. 
I have these friends at this point in my story. There names are Nicole, Macauley, and Brittney. The cool thing to do was to hang out at the mall on a friday night and just chill with friends. My friend Nicole came over and we got ready together and went to the mall. We were just messing around when we said this but we both wanted to "meet our future boyfriends tonight." Ironic since I did haha. Anyways Macauley and Brittney both had boyfriends so once we got there we just chilled with them and their bf's for a while. Then Brittney introduced me to this guy named Matt. He was my friend on Myspace (The cool thing to do back then) and had commented on a pic saying I was cute before... but I had never met him It wan't awkward at all, he was the most chill, nicest person ever. And I could tell he was into me. Which was weird since that night I had this weird rash thing going on the side of my cheek cause I was allergic to the makeup I had used and I felt SO ugly that night. I literally wanted to die, I didn't even want to go to the mall that night cause I felt so ridiculous. Anyways...we walked around the mall (me and matt) and talked for a little bit about random things. Then we came back to the spot where our group of friends chill and we sat really really close to each other. A little while later after more talking he pulled me to this back area where there were less people we knew... and kissed me :) He was a fast mover, but I was so ready it. He held my hand the rest of the night and when me and Nicole had to leave he asked me to be his girlfriend :) I know what you're thinking... wow this moved way too fast to ever work out... And that's where...you're right....but we'll get to that.

The Beginning. 
We texted and talked on the phone like crazy... he came over to my house a lot, and it made me so happy he didn't mind doing lame stuff with me like hanging out at my house, since my mom didn't let me go out a lot. That had always been the main reason I had avoided getting a bf, because what boy would want such a socially lame girl? He had this section on his Myspace page (again the cool thing) and each week, sometimes more, he would change it to a different quote or something he wrote about me. It was the sweetest thing ever. I truly believed I loved him. And maybe at one point I did. He always told me I was so beautiful, I was the most perfect girl ever, he always said how lucky he was and how did he deserve someone like me? It was an amazing time, my depression vanished and didn't come back the entire time we were together. We kissed...a lot...but at this point in my story it went no further. Everyone always said how we were the cutest couple ever, and how jealous they were, and it felt AWESOME to be the center of attention and have all these girls be jealous of ME! who thought?! One day, on a sunday, he had to go to his grandmothers for lunch and to hang out... he asked me to go with him! I was so honored that we were getting to be that close. I met his family and they were so nice! They loved me! We had a great day at his grandparents and I got to see the cutest baby pictures of him. Anyways, needless to say things were going great.

The Middle. 
Sweetest thing. The way he kissed me. The way he would hold me. The way he sang me to sleep. So it's december and there was a HUGE ice storm. Ice blocked roads and cut off some peoples power for weeks. So we got our power back quick cause we were right by a fire station. Matt however lived farther in the country so he didn't. So..... I convinced my mom to let him stay two nights with me :) It was amazing! Of course he had to sleep on the couch but still!!!!!! MY mom was letting a boy stay the night!!!!! WOOOO haha. Macauley stayed the night too for the first night, and we had so much fun! We cuddled watching TV till like 5 in the morning. At this point he tried to go a little further...but I didn't let him...yet. So a week or so later, I stayed the night with Macauley, and we both snuck out. Macauley went to hang out with her boyfriend and I went to hang out with Matt. We went to a party, and eventually we were a little drunk, and matt took me out to his car. He tried to have sex with me, but I told him I really didn't want to go that far yet. He respected that and stopped trying, but I felt bad so I let him finger me, and I touched him too...(Trying not to get too graphic) We had a good time. Anyways I was still head over heels at this point so far. However my mom was starting to get suspicious of all my bad things I was doing, and she stopped letting me go out as much...

The Ending. 
I felt bad because I didn't get to see Matt as much. And very very slowly I started to lose my attraction to him. He was still as sweet as ever and he told me he was in love with me. So one night when he wanted to see me, I snuck out, and we went back to his house and I gave him my virginity. Looking back now, I realize this wasn't right and I would take it back if I could, though Matt in my eyes was still an amazing boyfriend, and I would rather it have been him then some jackass later down the road. I was still losing attraction to him, and since the sex didn't feel good, being my first time, and it just kind of hurt, It didn't help me be more attracted to him. A week or two later I decided I was better on my own when I didn't have to worry about anyone else, just me. And I didn't have to worry about feeling bad for not being able to see him that often. So I told him we should probably stop dating. He was devastated and tried for weeks to get me back. After two weeks of being broken up I decided I still loved him and I told him we could try again. But then again after a week the same thing happened, and I told him we were over for good. He was so sad. He loved me I knew it. He broke his phone from throwing it against the wall, he punched the wall too. He tried to get me back... but it didn't work. I remained in my position. Things got awkward, even though I wanted to be friends. And eventually it grew cold between us because someone told me he had started talking with another girl, Marissa, and I was of course being my girl self, jealous, so I got mad at him. That was very stupid of me.

The conclusion. 
We eventually got past our bad time... I hooked up with new boys,... he had sex with Macauley a little while down the road... So now we don't talk, but we wish each other happy birthday when that time rolls around. He now smokes pot and drinks, he did that when we dated but not nearly as much. So, if I had the choice, yes I would get him back, before Macauley and before drugs and alcohol. And since then I have not had another boyfriend. I feel attracted to people, but I still am always too scared to try something new. Maybe they won't measure up to how sweet Matt was...Maybe I won't be good enough for them...Maybe they WON'T be as sweet as Matt was, maybe I won't like them after a while and will wanna break up?
Too many risks. Not worth it.

Self-conclusion

I don't know why I still feel this way. Yesterday was my birthday...yet it was so much more bitter than sweet. I went to school...that was okay, my friends are really nice, they made me some cards and brownies and stuff. Then I got home, and I didn't feel like doing anything so I just chilled and around 7 was laying in bed watching a movie when my mom came in and was like "What are you doing? I thought you were going out tonight?" When I told her I didn't feel like it... well she was weird about it. She told me I HAD to get out and do something and I insisted I was too tired and didn't feel good. Which wasn't a lie, I didn't feel good emotionally. So she said I could take an hour nap but then at 9 she would make me get up and atleast go out to eat with her and her best friend (also my friend.) That time came and Alison (friend) came over. They both tried to force me out of bed for over an hour but I refused over and over. If they tell me I can do what I want since it's my birthday, that should include sleeping if I want to right? Apparently not to them. Anyways they finally forced me out at ten, because I honestly couldn't take their nagging anymore. All we did was eat and see a movie. But I knew it wasn't a good idea because today I'm sooo exhausted emotionally. I almost snapped at my mom just for telling me I didn't have time to do laundry before we left for the family party she's again FORCING me to go to. Trust me I spent a few days begging her to let me out of this too. You think it'd be obvious to her... I even told her, and I quote "Do you not feel the slightest bit bad that I am dreading my birthday weekend all thanks to you?" And again she was her annoying stubborn self and said "No I don't, I'm sorry I love my daughter and want to celebrate her birthday." Geeze you'd think I was asking something drastic. But no, all I wanted was to stay at home. I mean I'm so stressed in school and I am so sleep deprived, the weekends are now a time for catching up on the homework and sleep I missed out on during the week, and no time for anything else. It's pretty frustrating, but this is just a normal student's lifestyle I suppose. Screw this. I'm so sick of it.

yadda yadda yadda Halloween

There's been too much lately in my life for me to be able to catch up on here... So I figure I'll just save this for my creative works ish stuff. Like short stories and poems, and random thoughts and what not. Yeah.

My stomach is flipping, tossing, turning, at the thought of your touch
I lose control of my judgement and just open up

No reserve, turning back is not an option anymore

I'm yours forever, isn't that what we planned for?

To be continued...

A month later...and meh. Still nothing interesting to say. However I just bought a MacBook and since I'll be playing with it a lot, I feel like something will come soon.

p.s: After HP, best book series ever--->

People like you.

Watching Charlie Bartlett. Great Movie.

Loving this weekend, had a XC meet and did okay, still wanting to improve though. Bought a bunch of healthy food at Sprouts today and that always makes me happy. Anyways. Good mood, don't wanna ruin it by talking about it.

You already know what it is.

I hate this feeling. You know that guilty gross feeling you get after you know you just eat too much. It's like I've had so much self-control with my diet. And then i eat all this gross food and now I want nothing more than to throw it all up....don't worry I'm not bulimic, though I have tried, I've never been able to make myself throw up. It would be nice to have that power, only for times when I really need it. I have this asian friend named Rachel who I stayed the night with the other day. And you know how most asians are super skinny and petite? (sorry about stereotyping) Well I was making fun of her saying how fat I was and how she was probably 100 pounds, and  I finally forced her to get on the scale and her weight was...........yeahp you guessed it, UNDER 100 pounds. 94 pounds to be exact. How is it possible for a teenage girl who has hit puberty to be under 100 pounds?! Aghhh, crazy crazy.

Loaded down with homework and XC as usual. Things have been generally good though, I'm still getting stressed and depressed, but I think I'm slowly rising out of this most recent depression period. This time it only lasted 3 months which is improved from the last bad period which was 6 months. But things change really easily and I know it won't take much to throw me back down to the bottom so I have to be careful.

Sometimes I feel like a complete bitch. A guy who's really cute started to talk to me and asked for my number and at first I was really excited because well he's SO cute, but then we talked more and texted more and I realized his personality is NOT my type, it's the type I usually try to avoid. And I feel like a complete bitch for it but I guess I can't help who I'm emotionally attracted too right?

I CAN'T TAKE HER ANYMORE.

How the FUCK am I supposed to put up with her BITCH LYING TWO-FACED STUPID ASS. djkashkjdhaskjdhasjkdhasjkdhas. Wanna know something funny? She's my own cousin. She's a grade older than me and she's the biggest backstabbing twofaced lying bitch in the ENTIRE world. It takes serious balls to act like you care and then talk so much SHIT. I didn't even know the human mind was capable of doing and saying the things she is doing to it's own family. Wow. Someone kill me, maybe then she'll actually be sorry.

Sick

Most people don't enjoy true rap, but if you do, check out Brenden
Click here

If you can wait till I get home

I swear to you that we can make this last. La la la. 

So basically a ton of stuff has happened in the past week. School work has been crazy, obviously as shown by my last post. And Cross Country has taken over my life! Not necessarily in a bad way though. We ran 5.5 miles today, and that was pretty hard because there were some intense hills and what not. But through every run though I feel like I want nothing more than to die right there, by the time I get done I'm like "Wow I can't believe I actually did that, I feel really good about it!" Anyways, Friday night was pretty good, just chilled and got some rest. Then Saturday I got up really early to do the Sand Pit 5k, and that was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done. Harder than running 5 or even 8 miles. There were water obstacles, crawling obstacles, climbing obstacles, and much more. And running on the soft sand for a total of 2 miles was NOT fun, I was seriously ready to turn carnivore zombie and attack everyone that either passed or ran near me. It was like I turned into a sea monster. But once again I finished and felt great! Even got first in my age group and got a medal for it! :) 

Then Saturday night I went over to my friend Rachel's house, where there were probably 20 other people to get ready for our school's dance called morP. It's actually Prom spelled backwards and that's why the P is capitalized. It was one of the funner school dances I've been to because it was completely unformal, basically was a rave. I got so sweaty and nasty, but who the hell cares when your having fun:) And it was a great way for me to make friend. I don't think the people who have stability there whole lives realize how incredibly hard it is to move to a new high school right in the middle of your 4 years and just make completely new friends. There were so many times I was mad/angry/upset/embarrassed/lonely/scared. Actually those were the majority of my feelings until I made some friends. Morp is also really fun because you dress totally crazy. Nothing you wear is supposed to make sense. And trust me it didn't haha. 

So now I've just been loaded down with some more homework. And I guess my week isn't as exciting as I felt like it was. But OH! Good news, we are most likely going to get that apartment we've been looking at for a while. I really hope so because I honestly don't know how much more of my grandmothers nagging I can take. She is constantly on me to have my room clean, drink milk, eat vegetables, do my homework, make good grades, like I DON'T do that stuff already. Shit it's annoying. But then I feel bad saying stuff like that because she buys me so much stuff and she's so nice to me and I know it's so amazing of her to let our family stay at her house for so long. I know she just wants the best for me, and I appreciate that. It just get's hard. 

Nothing new on the boyfriend front. This one guy, Luke, asked for my number last friday. But thennnnnn I lost my phone the next afternoon :( So I don't really know how that's turning out. I let him know that I lost it so he doesn't think I completely ignored him. But anyways there's a few guys I'm digging, you know when you move to a new school you get so many prospects haha. There's a guy anthony who I awkwardly met over the summer and he and his girlfriend just broke up. I feel bad because obviously they JUST broke up and I'm the type of person who would ask a persons ex if I could date them even if it had been years. I feel really sympathetic that way. But he did tell my cousin over the summer that if he didn't have a gf he would go for me. But I get so shy and awkward around guys I don't really see myself working out with anybody at all. And it's not like I'm one of those girls who depends on a guy, I'm the complete opposite, It's been forever since I've had someone that way, like 2 years, and he was honestly a GREAT boyfriend. I miss having someone to rely on like that, but i think since it's been so long I've basically syked myself out and now I don't even want to try because I think things would just be easier without a relationship and because I would probably mess shit up anyways. I'm a screw up like that. 

ASDJAKF.

SCHOOL IS SOOOOO STRESSFUL. I'm so over this. One stress/problem goes away and ten more pop up. Seriously though?! Is this how the whole year is going to be? Because I am NOT down with it.
I have to worry about being on time, (takes 40 mins to drive to school: long story why)
I have to worry about remembering clothes for PE class and XC practice everyday.
I have to remember to always have all my stuff when i leave the locker room (I've already lost one tennis shoe, and currently my ENTIRE school binder with all homework is lost in there)
I'm on the school newspaper and have to worry about stories, selling ads, deadlines etc.
I have to worry about finding time to do my weekly sketch for drawing class.
I have to remember to bring lunch everyday.
I have to remember math hw, chemistry hw, ap english hw.
I have to worry about buying a new phone because i lost (or got stolen) mine
I had to worry about getting a damn apartment, since I HATE living with my gparents
I have to worry about what I eat
I AM SO FUCKING STRESSED. ASDHSKADJASKDJSAD.

Broken ties.

Does your life ever seem like everything's surreal?
But it's so confusing when you can't explain the way you feel.

Do you want to express the craziness inside?
But it's so hard to find a way, when all the ways have died.

Does all your stress and workload beat you down?
But when you try to scream, you cannot make a sound.

Do your mind and soul and body completely synchronize?
But it's so hard to reconnect when left with broken ties.

Is this me?

Here's a bunch of pictures of me, so you can get an idea of who I am. 

Relax Max and Chill Bill

I used to think my parents were strict. And they were, for sure. They were the strictest parents out of all my friends. All through middle school when the cool thing was the to go to the movies every friday and the ice rink every saturday, I probably went once a month. If that. I had practically no social life compared to everyone else and I always despised my parents for it. I see now that middle school days weren't a big deal obviously, and though they never let me have a Myspace or Facebook for a long time, I see they were fairly justified in their reasoning. And now I can talk to my mom like a human being, discuss adult things, and unless there's a truly good reason why I can't, I can usually do most of the social things I want. But now I see more and more friends with parents who are exactly how mine used to be. And I'm thinking, you treat your junior in high school daughter like this? Wow, that's messed up, I feel sorry for her. And honestly it's kind of annoying too when you ask someone to do something with you and they can't just because their parents said no. There is no justified reason, they just said no. But whatever everyone has there different parenting skills. Sometimes in my head I kind of gather all this info and results from the different parenting types I see and I see how it effects my friends and how they turn out because of it, and try to create my own parenting type for how I plan to be when I have kids. I hope I'm a good parent, sometimes I think I will be, but there are so many time that I couldn't be more frustrated with my little brother. I really just wanna slap him across the face sometimes. Actually a lot of times. But obviously I will have more patience and what not with my own kids.

You know what I would like?

Some followers. Guess I should get interesting first.

Get back to me

Don't you just hate it when someone is desperately telling you to "CALL THEM RIGHT NOW!" So then you drop what you are doing, because hey it sounds important! But low and behold, of course when you call them they don't answer the phone.... don't reply to your message.... and ignore you for the rest of the night. Yeaaaaah. That's cool. Does it give people some sense of superiority when they are the one doing the rejecting, even though they had to create the rejection situation themselves? I mean I would understand if it was just one time, because something could have happened that stopped them from answering or getting back to you. But not when this is a consistent thing.

Just got back from the gym, did my 5k, then an extra mile, and lifted a bunch of weights to make up for the lack of distance. But UGHHH. I despise when there are other runners in the gym at the same time as me. It's a small private gym, so there are only two treadmills, and so I don't really have the option of breaking after a few miles to get a cup of water then get back on. No as soon as I press the slow down button to step off, a mob of runners dart to the treadmill like a pack of piranhas.

Okay so I have a kind of problem. For all you riddle-lovers this will be good. I really need some help solving my problem and if you give me the answer that actually solves my problem I am probably going to send you a $100 check. That is how grateful I will be. Okay here's the riddle: I was using my Iphone while I was getting ready for school I was texting a friend and leaving the phone on the bed when not in use. Once I was done getting ready, I grabbed my purse, textbooks, and gym bag, and Iphone off the bed ( of this i am SURE) then I realize I forgot to print out my homework paper. So I set the stuff down and went to the office and printed my paper. Then I came back into my room picked up my stuff, walked downstairs and went directly out the door without stopping. My mom had the car pulled out front and I climbed in and put all my stuff down. Once I got my bags off my arms I began searching for my iphone...but couldn't find it. So then I used my moms phone to call it. Couldn't hear it. So then I looked under seats and everywhere else. Couldn't find it. Soooo I figured I left it back on my bed....only when I got home, searched my ENTIRE room, couldn't find it. Even folded all my clothes in case it was stuck in one of them. Couldn't find it. So I searched the car, computer room, bathroom, kitchen, living room EVERYTHING. And I have still yet to find my iphone. Someone tell me where it issss!!!!! Or a way I can get a free replacement...that works too.

Zombies

What would happen if the world became infested with zombies? Would I be one of the few to survive? High unlikely. I don't have the most common sense of any body in the world. But I bet I could outrun a few zombies for a while.

Tis of thee

Apparently when I get bored I make 7 posts in a day.

Anyways here goes nothing.

Old poem:

THE DESPERATE AND THE DUMB,

THE OBNOXIOUS AND THE SAD,

THEY THINK THEY HAVE NO HOPE

WHEN IT'S TRULY ALL THEY HAVE.

THE DEPRESSED CLAIM THERE IS NONE LEFT,

AND THATS WHY THEY FEEL THE WAY THEY DO

BUT EVERY SECOND THEY MOVE ON

IT'S HOPE THAT MAKES THE MOUNTAINS MOVE

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS PASS THROUGH YOUR MIND,

BUT ON THEM YOU WILL NEVER ACT,

FOR IT'S HOPE THAT DRIVES YOU TO TOMORROW,

'TILL THOSE THOUGHTS COME BACK.

SO WHEN YOU THOUGHT ALL HOPE WAS LOST,

AND DESTINY WAS DECIDED,

HOPE WILL COME PLACE YOU WITH LOVE AND CHARITY

'TIS WHERE YOU'LL SIT BESIDE THEM

Newish poem:

We're called the Human Race,

Desperate looks upon their face,

can't stand to be in this place,

thought to be salvation, 

Now no one can see, 

all they think about is 'me'

once the land of the free

now home of desperation. 

Smart, Clean Make-up tips for women....and I suppose for men too if they desire.

Why am I posting so much today? I don't know, why don't you ask me a question I might be able to answer?

I know there are probably a lot of people out there that will find this stupid, but I also know that there are a lot of girls and women that have NO clue as to what the proper use of make-up is. I witness make up violations every day just walking down the street. Make up was not created for people to see how much they could pack on there face at one time, nor was it created to completely alter the appearance of your face. It was made simply to enhance the natural beauty of your face. 

Okay the first tip for ideal make up is to make sure you consistently buy new make up, there's nothing worse than a make up drawer full of spilled powder eye shadows and crusted liquid foundation on the sides. Clean make up will help keep your face cleaner and free of toxins and oils that come along with aged make up. Every time you open your foundation bottle or mascara tube, oxygen enters and grows bacteria over time. A little bit of bacteria isn't bad but after prolonged exposure it can be very harmful to your face. Clean makeup can also help reduce the oil/acne prone breakout spots on your face. Keeping make up clean includes periodically washing out the sponges and brushes you use to apply this make up. 

Once you make sure everything you have is clean and ready to be used, you want to make sure you are using the right type of make up for your skin in the first place! When buying foundation, don't buy three shades darker than your natural skin because you feel your face is whiter than your neck and needs to be evened out, or because you think it will make you look tanner. It will just end up making you look stupid. The best way to determine which shade is for you is by going to the make-up counter at your local department store and testing a few different shades. Just apply a small streak of the three shades you think are closest and whichever one blends in your skin the easiest and the best is your correct shade! Also with eye makeup if you have oily eyelids, don't use liquid eyeliner! It will definitely crack during the day, instead consider buying some eye lid primer which can reduce the amount of oiliness. With mascara, if you have short thin eyelashes, don't buy the ultra-bulk-length mascara because it will NOT enhance your eyelashes, it will just make them clumpy and look like you have yucky black twigs sticking out of your skin. 

Foundation/compacts/bronzer etc are the hardest to get right. Mainly because they cover your entire face and there's more surface area to even out. However using foundations and bronzer's correctly can make or break your entire look. Therefore it is VITAL you do not over-do it, which many girls do. The first thing you want to do is make sure you wash your face. It is always best to begin with a clean face. Then splash some cold water on your face to close up your pores which will minimize the amount of toxins that enter your pores.  Use a clean round or triangular sponge and dab a little foundation on the 5 key spots. Each cheek bone, tip of the nose, forehead, and chin. Use the least amount on your nose. Then gently rub it in evenly around your entire face. DO NOT OVER USE THE FOUNDATION. I cannot express that enough as that is the main mistake women make. You don't want to look like you are wearing a white or an orange mask. Make sure your neckline is rubbed in. Next take a thin curve-cut brush and apply minimal amounts of powder foundation to the key areas of your face that are problematic. Last use a flat brush to gently sweep bronzer in the hollows of your cheeks. I find it works best if you make a "fishy face" by sucking in your cheeks, then you can easily see your natural cheek bones to apply the bronzer. 

Eye Liner and Eye shadows. This tip is generalized since really the way you should use these two things completely depends upon your natural facial features, skin tone, and facial structure. Again the main key is to avoid over using. Eye liner is not necessary on the top and bottom eyelids. The only time that should be okay is when you are going out somewhere formal or to a club at night and are creating the smoky eye effect. When using eye liner on top, do NOT create a thick line, It should be 2-4 mm thick. Eyeshadow were created to exaggerate the natural "shadows" that your eyebrow bone create. You should use a lighter color on the entire eyelid, something like nude, light pink, gold, or cream. Then take a darker color, purple, gray, green and blend it from the outer corner of the eyelid. It should stop about 3/4 of the way. Leave a slight hint of the lighter color in the crease of the eyelid. Next use gray, brown or some darker color on the underside of the bone. 

Mascara is a whole other ball field. When applying the first coat, try sort of shaking your wand, in a vibrating movement it will help to cover the entire lash. Only apply one coat then wait about a minute before applying another one or two coats. Once again for emphasis, DO NOT OVER DO IT. Okay I'm done saying that now. But seriously don't. You don't want clumpy lashes! If that happens use a eyelash brush to separate the lashes. 

And Wah-La! Beautiful Make up! :) For any questions or comments or requests let me know!

Please Please Please

Let me get what I want.

LOVE the Smiths. Just got reintroduced to this song. Re-fell in love.

Art

This is a topic I will probably post about frequently, mainly because it interests me so gosh darn much! I love making art, evaluating art, browsing through art, and thinking about art! It's such a fantastic way to express exactly how you are feeling inside, yet it's not put at face value. Not everyone is going to be able to look at your work and know what you were feeling when you created that, and that's what makes it so special. It's your complete OWN. and no one else's. I love browsing the internet for other peoples work's and if you know of a good blog on here by an artist let me know! Here are some examples of works I find to be truly inspiring. Click on the picture to see the source por favor :)

 
Anyways, if one of these pictures belongs to you and you would like me to take it down please just let me know. I adore the freedom of abstract art, you can do WHATEVER you want and create WHATEVER you want and no one can tell you you did it wrong. I will probably post some of my own works sooner or later.

Fitness

It's a huge topic that most people deal with atleast once in their lives. Many people deal with on the daily. It's pretty complicated I think. It takes so much will power and determination. It would be so simple to just not go to the gym one day because you don't "have time" or you "will just run extra tomorrow." And it's SO easy to get into this kind of habit until you stop going altogether. Then your diet goes, then your self-esteem, then your happiness.
That's basically exactly what happened to me. I was always the skinny girl through elementary and middle school. And I never had to work for it. And I know most people are super skinny in middle school but it was like I was the one who didn't have to work for it and could eat whatever, whenever. So I got hooked on the belief that that's how my body would always be. So I took up Cross Country in middle school anyways because my best friend was on it and I thought it would be fun to be a part of a team. So I had an active habit up until freshman year. Then I quit XC and took up soccer because I had played a little bit, but once again my other best friend was on it so I thought I'd do it. Then after freshman year I became burnt out, I could no longer eat whatever I wanted consequence free. I gained weight, curves, love-handles, a pooch, and some thick legs. I wasn't happy with myself at all. But I didn't believe there was anything I could do about it. It was actually only about a month ago that I got back into the running habit. I rediscovered the wonderful "runner's high" and I've already lost some weight! My shape is back and it feels so powerful to be able to say "yeah I go to the gym everyday and work-out and run."

 I think the reason most people aren't really successful when they try to get into the running habit is because they expect to look like this after one or two gym visits. Most people also don't understand that you once you achieve your ideal weight and fitness level you have to work to either keep improving it or to maintain it.

I've been reading this book called "The Complete Book of Running for Women" by Claire Kowalchik and it has been so helpful for me in understanding some of the ways my body works compared to men's bodies and how to best deal with all kinds of situations most women deal with when working out and running. It deals with topics about things like physical/mental benefits, male/female differences, motivation, running safely, nutrition, pregnancy, menopause, purchasing equipment and products, strength training, stretching, racing, marathons, preventing injuries and SOOO much more. Anyways moral of the story I would definitely recommend this book to anyone interested in becoming a serious athlete, and by serious I mean dedicated. You don't have to be able to run three miles right off the bat, you don't have to be talented or coordinated, just have to have will power :) But if anyone has any fitness questions/comments or would just like some tips, I would be extremely happy to help, just leave a comment below.

Introduction

Hey I'm Dakota Ramn, I just began my new life which I will discuss more later, but that is the major reason I am starting a new blog. To read my old blog click here. I live in California and am a 17 year old girl who has struggled with depression for about three years. Again I will get to that stuff later. I really just like to talk about random thoughts that occur to me everyday when I don't have anywhere else to tell them.

Elderly people. I wish I could live my life through the eyes of wisdom just for one day. Because I do realize that sometimes I feel more mature than I'm actually being, but sometimes it's hard to just not be a little selfish. Really though, they always seem to have such patience with everything. Does that come with brain growth and development or does it come from experience and personal growth? I'm going to bet on the latter. I know when I do grow old I'll probably look back on how incredible and free these days were, but now I can't help but feel like a prisoner in this life. Being controlled by everyone, society, the law, and just EVERYTHING. Time to break out of this place.