Shannon.

I should be asking, “How can anyone just give up like this?” 

I should be asking, “Why would someone do this to themselves?”

I should be thinking, “I feel so sorry for people who suffer through this,”

I should be crying. 

I should be feeling sympathetic. 

I should feel something more than the slight empathy that momentarily crossed my brain. 

People, teens, kids, kill themselves. It’s a fact. It happens a lot, I imagine. I’m sure there’s some statistic on it. But the truth is, I understand it. I have felt these feelings so deeply. I have half way attempted to do it myself. It wasn’t a attempt and a fail, it was more of a hang the belt, put it around my neck, but then I stepped down, because I was too scared. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I can’t decide if calling the police would help her. I mean honestly…it’s been two hours, maybe if someone had done something as soon as this had been posted, then maybe it would have helped. But now…what if this girls in Russia? The police would just disregard it as some stupid internet prank and think nothing more of it. The worst thing is, that I am actually a tad bit jealous of this girl. 

This girl who had the guts. 

This girl who had the guts to write out a note.

This girl who had the guts enough to make it public.

This girl who had the guts to prove she was serious. 

This girl who had the guts to escape. 

Save us all. 

MattB.

I've only had one boyfriend. I was 14, he was 17. We only dated for 4 months. I know what you're thinking...this can't be good, he was so much older than her he must have taken advantage of her... But to tell you the truth? He was the nicest a person's ever been to me. I felt so close to him, he was the best boyfriend ever and if I could get the old him back I would. I have just been reminiscing lately about him and decided to dedicate this post to him. Since he'll never read it, at least he won't think I'm an entire creep. I'll break it up into paragraphs so as not to make such a large wall of text.

The Meeting. 
I have these friends at this point in my story. There names are Nicole, Macauley, and Brittney. The cool thing to do was to hang out at the mall on a friday night and just chill with friends. My friend Nicole came over and we got ready together and went to the mall. We were just messing around when we said this but we both wanted to "meet our future boyfriends tonight." Ironic since I did haha. Anyways Macauley and Brittney both had boyfriends so once we got there we just chilled with them and their bf's for a while. Then Brittney introduced me to this guy named Matt. He was my friend on Myspace (The cool thing to do back then) and had commented on a pic saying I was cute before... but I had never met him It wan't awkward at all, he was the most chill, nicest person ever. And I could tell he was into me. Which was weird since that night I had this weird rash thing going on the side of my cheek cause I was allergic to the makeup I had used and I felt SO ugly that night. I literally wanted to die, I didn't even want to go to the mall that night cause I felt so ridiculous. Anyways...we walked around the mall (me and matt) and talked for a little bit about random things. Then we came back to the spot where our group of friends chill and we sat really really close to each other. A little while later after more talking he pulled me to this back area where there were less people we knew... and kissed me :) He was a fast mover, but I was so ready it. He held my hand the rest of the night and when me and Nicole had to leave he asked me to be his girlfriend :) I know what you're thinking... wow this moved way too fast to ever work out... And that's where...you're right....but we'll get to that.

The Beginning. 
We texted and talked on the phone like crazy... he came over to my house a lot, and it made me so happy he didn't mind doing lame stuff with me like hanging out at my house, since my mom didn't let me go out a lot. That had always been the main reason I had avoided getting a bf, because what boy would want such a socially lame girl? He had this section on his Myspace page (again the cool thing) and each week, sometimes more, he would change it to a different quote or something he wrote about me. It was the sweetest thing ever. I truly believed I loved him. And maybe at one point I did. He always told me I was so beautiful, I was the most perfect girl ever, he always said how lucky he was and how did he deserve someone like me? It was an amazing time, my depression vanished and didn't come back the entire time we were together. We kissed...a lot...but at this point in my story it went no further. Everyone always said how we were the cutest couple ever, and how jealous they were, and it felt AWESOME to be the center of attention and have all these girls be jealous of ME! who thought?! One day, on a sunday, he had to go to his grandmothers for lunch and to hang out... he asked me to go with him! I was so honored that we were getting to be that close. I met his family and they were so nice! They loved me! We had a great day at his grandparents and I got to see the cutest baby pictures of him. Anyways, needless to say things were going great.

The Middle. 
Sweetest thing. The way he kissed me. The way he would hold me. The way he sang me to sleep. So it's december and there was a HUGE ice storm. Ice blocked roads and cut off some peoples power for weeks. So we got our power back quick cause we were right by a fire station. Matt however lived farther in the country so he didn't. So..... I convinced my mom to let him stay two nights with me :) It was amazing! Of course he had to sleep on the couch but still!!!!!! MY mom was letting a boy stay the night!!!!! WOOOO haha. Macauley stayed the night too for the first night, and we had so much fun! We cuddled watching TV till like 5 in the morning. At this point he tried to go a little further...but I didn't let him...yet. So a week or so later, I stayed the night with Macauley, and we both snuck out. Macauley went to hang out with her boyfriend and I went to hang out with Matt. We went to a party, and eventually we were a little drunk, and matt took me out to his car. He tried to have sex with me, but I told him I really didn't want to go that far yet. He respected that and stopped trying, but I felt bad so I let him finger me, and I touched him too...(Trying not to get too graphic) We had a good time. Anyways I was still head over heels at this point so far. However my mom was starting to get suspicious of all my bad things I was doing, and she stopped letting me go out as much...

The Ending. 
I felt bad because I didn't get to see Matt as much. And very very slowly I started to lose my attraction to him. He was still as sweet as ever and he told me he was in love with me. So one night when he wanted to see me, I snuck out, and we went back to his house and I gave him my virginity. Looking back now, I realize this wasn't right and I would take it back if I could, though Matt in my eyes was still an amazing boyfriend, and I would rather it have been him then some jackass later down the road. I was still losing attraction to him, and since the sex didn't feel good, being my first time, and it just kind of hurt, It didn't help me be more attracted to him. A week or two later I decided I was better on my own when I didn't have to worry about anyone else, just me. And I didn't have to worry about feeling bad for not being able to see him that often. So I told him we should probably stop dating. He was devastated and tried for weeks to get me back. After two weeks of being broken up I decided I still loved him and I told him we could try again. But then again after a week the same thing happened, and I told him we were over for good. He was so sad. He loved me I knew it. He broke his phone from throwing it against the wall, he punched the wall too. He tried to get me back... but it didn't work. I remained in my position. Things got awkward, even though I wanted to be friends. And eventually it grew cold between us because someone told me he had started talking with another girl, Marissa, and I was of course being my girl self, jealous, so I got mad at him. That was very stupid of me.

The conclusion. 
We eventually got past our bad time... I hooked up with new boys,... he had sex with Macauley a little while down the road... So now we don't talk, but we wish each other happy birthday when that time rolls around. He now smokes pot and drinks, he did that when we dated but not nearly as much. So, if I had the choice, yes I would get him back, before Macauley and before drugs and alcohol. And since then I have not had another boyfriend. I feel attracted to people, but I still am always too scared to try something new. Maybe they won't measure up to how sweet Matt was...Maybe I won't be good enough for them...Maybe they WON'T be as sweet as Matt was, maybe I won't like them after a while and will wanna break up?
Too many risks. Not worth it.

Self-conclusion

I don't know why I still feel this way. Yesterday was my birthday...yet it was so much more bitter than sweet. I went to school...that was okay, my friends are really nice, they made me some cards and brownies and stuff. Then I got home, and I didn't feel like doing anything so I just chilled and around 7 was laying in bed watching a movie when my mom came in and was like "What are you doing? I thought you were going out tonight?" When I told her I didn't feel like it... well she was weird about it. She told me I HAD to get out and do something and I insisted I was too tired and didn't feel good. Which wasn't a lie, I didn't feel good emotionally. So she said I could take an hour nap but then at 9 she would make me get up and atleast go out to eat with her and her best friend (also my friend.) That time came and Alison (friend) came over. They both tried to force me out of bed for over an hour but I refused over and over. If they tell me I can do what I want since it's my birthday, that should include sleeping if I want to right? Apparently not to them. Anyways they finally forced me out at ten, because I honestly couldn't take their nagging anymore. All we did was eat and see a movie. But I knew it wasn't a good idea because today I'm sooo exhausted emotionally. I almost snapped at my mom just for telling me I didn't have time to do laundry before we left for the family party she's again FORCING me to go to. Trust me I spent a few days begging her to let me out of this too. You think it'd be obvious to her... I even told her, and I quote "Do you not feel the slightest bit bad that I am dreading my birthday weekend all thanks to you?" And again she was her annoying stubborn self and said "No I don't, I'm sorry I love my daughter and want to celebrate her birthday." Geeze you'd think I was asking something drastic. But no, all I wanted was to stay at home. I mean I'm so stressed in school and I am so sleep deprived, the weekends are now a time for catching up on the homework and sleep I missed out on during the week, and no time for anything else. It's pretty frustrating, but this is just a normal student's lifestyle I suppose. Screw this. I'm so sick of it.

yadda yadda yadda Halloween

There's been too much lately in my life for me to be able to catch up on here... So I figure I'll just save this for my creative works ish stuff. Like short stories and poems, and random thoughts and what not. Yeah.

My stomach is flipping, tossing, turning, at the thought of your touch
I lose control of my judgement and just open up

No reserve, turning back is not an option anymore

I'm yours forever, isn't that what we planned for?

To be continued...

A month later...and meh. Still nothing interesting to say. However I just bought a MacBook and since I'll be playing with it a lot, I feel like something will come soon.

p.s: After HP, best book series ever--->

People like you.

Watching Charlie Bartlett. Great Movie.

Loving this weekend, had a XC meet and did okay, still wanting to improve though. Bought a bunch of healthy food at Sprouts today and that always makes me happy. Anyways. Good mood, don't wanna ruin it by talking about it.

You already know what it is.

I hate this feeling. You know that guilty gross feeling you get after you know you just eat too much. It's like I've had so much self-control with my diet. And then i eat all this gross food and now I want nothing more than to throw it all up....don't worry I'm not bulimic, though I have tried, I've never been able to make myself throw up. It would be nice to have that power, only for times when I really need it. I have this asian friend named Rachel who I stayed the night with the other day. And you know how most asians are super skinny and petite? (sorry about stereotyping) Well I was making fun of her saying how fat I was and how she was probably 100 pounds, and  I finally forced her to get on the scale and her weight was...........yeahp you guessed it, UNDER 100 pounds. 94 pounds to be exact. How is it possible for a teenage girl who has hit puberty to be under 100 pounds?! Aghhh, crazy crazy.

Loaded down with homework and XC as usual. Things have been generally good though, I'm still getting stressed and depressed, but I think I'm slowly rising out of this most recent depression period. This time it only lasted 3 months which is improved from the last bad period which was 6 months. But things change really easily and I know it won't take much to throw me back down to the bottom so I have to be careful.

Sometimes I feel like a complete bitch. A guy who's really cute started to talk to me and asked for my number and at first I was really excited because well he's SO cute, but then we talked more and texted more and I realized his personality is NOT my type, it's the type I usually try to avoid. And I feel like a complete bitch for it but I guess I can't help who I'm emotionally attracted too right?